I don't want to waste my teaching!

Over the past week I have heard, said or read the phrase, "I don't want to waste my..." more than just a few times. It has gained popularity because of John Piper's great little book, Don't waste your life! Sometime after he wrote the book, he learned he had cancer. After thinking and praying deeply, he wrote another book, actually to himself (but he did share it with us and you can buy it somewhere). It is called I don't want to waste my cancer! His application of an important perspective to himself got me thinking. First, no one would want to get cancer. People fear it so much that many won't say the word. They might refer to it by initial - C. Jane and I often talk about how that fear develops when we have a headache for an unusually long period of time, or when she suffered some dizzy spells or something else-- "I was afraid it was a brain tumor!" The stories of peoples' live so drastically effected and the struggles and suffering they endured and the treatments they had and the side effects of the treatments just reinforce that whole idea. And so we pray, when we think of it, "Lord, please don't let me get cancer." I'll bet John Piper never wanted to get it either. But he did. And his response was, Lord, take this disease I have and use it to make me whatever You want me to be. Teach me to turn away from those dark parts of my life. Use it to burn away the refuse of sin. Strengthen my love for You. Help me long for You still more and more. And if you use this cancer that way, I will be overjoyed! Well, I don't have cancer. I have to teach. (I know I should say, I get to teach, but for fair exposure of my heart, I do say, I have to teach!) It is the way I can work and earn money to provide for my family but it is not my passion. Yes, I am a teacher, by giftedness, temperament and even heredity (my mom was a teacher, too). But my passion is the church and the gospel. I know all about the high value of teaching children as a school teacher. I know that all callings and vocations are holy. But I so often struggle with teaching in the public schools when I would rather be teaching within the church. I am thankful that so many of my family and friends say things like, "Those kids are really lucky to have you teaching them." But knowing my heart and what I really want, I say "thank you" to those comments and try to silence my doubts within. My heart says, teaching them to read is like putting band aids on cancer. And I don't like cancer, remember? But I am a teacher, in a public school, working harder than I ever have to learn to do better what I am doing so that the children I get to teach have the best opportunities to learn. And I want them to learn. And I want them to know that I want them to learn. And I want them to know that I believe they have lots and lots of potential and can do anything anybody else can--even people from the middle and upper classes. So here's the rub. It seems like I wish I were doing something else: in a church. But I'm not. Now what do I do? Do I pray, "Lord, change my circumstances to something that fits me better." Or do I pray, "Lord, use my circumstances to change me to fit right now better." Did I say I don't want to waste my teaching? I want Jesus to keep on working in me right now. I couldn't stand it if I thought I had to be in the right circumstances for Him to work in me, on me and through me. That would make me His counselor and Him my personal assisstant. None of that. He is God and I'm not. I get that. So Lord, don't let me waste my teaching.