Hymns that can be, and should be, prayer

John Newton knew what he had been, a slave trader who never forgot the screams and cries from deep within his ship. He knew what God had done for him in Jesus: a heart taught to fear, a heart with fears relieved, a heart amazed by grace. And he knew what he hoped for—an ongoing growth in love and godliness, holiness and joy. He was a pastor and a preacher. And he wrote hymns.

The following stopped me as I sang, the words intense and unexpected for many a modern ear, for any ear that has not yet grasped the glorious purpose of God Himself, for my ear all too often. Read. Ponder. Wonder. Pray.

I asked the Lord that I might grow

I asked the Lord that I might grow In faith, and love, and every grace; Might more of His salvation know, And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray, And He, I trust, has answered prayer! But it has been in such a way, As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour, At once He’d answer my request; And by His love’s constraining pow’r, Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel The hidden evils of my heart; And let the angry pow’rs of hell Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed Intent to aggravate my woe; Crossed all the fair designs I schemed, Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried, Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death? “’Tis in this way, the Lord replied, I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ, From self, and pride, to set thee free; And break thy schemes of earthly joy, That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

Help me Lord to find my all in You!

We Sing These Songs?!!

Thy Mercy, My God This is an attempt to bring heart and head to words that reflect astonishment at the grace of Jesus. It’s all about lyrics and the songs we sing in worship. It has come about through off hand comments about musical style and a deepening awareness that God uses and blesses all types of music. There are different people and there are different situations. And God uses music to pull head and heart together, before Him, that we might be stunned by a glimpse of Him whom no one can see.

My church inundates me with songs that are deep, thick, intense, inviting and challenging, and multitudinous. The repertoire is huge and increasing. It’s a mixture of old hymns reworked in places, and new songs written to engage one’s soul and honor one’s Lord. Sometimes the music that goes with these lyrics slays me, sometimes it doesn’t work for me. But the thoughts that keep getting expressed—I wonder how anyone could lead worship or even play in the band.

For example, today we sang an old hymn made new. “Thy Mercy, My God, was written by John Stocker in 1776. Our version was redone by Sandra McCracken in 2001. One verse stopped me, one line almost dropped me.

“Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,

Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart;

Dissolved by thy goodness, I fall to the ground,

And weep to the praise of the mercy I’ve found.”

I’m not asking if a person can sing these words with a straight face. I’m wondering if a person can sing these words and not have a catch in the voice, a pause of wondering if any more can be sung. “Dissolved by thy goodness, I fall to the ground….

I think I heard an Anne Lamott quote about worship being dangerous, something about handing out life preservers and seat belts and safety helmets. Singing about the goodness of God is not flip. It is stunning. God’s goodness is the only thing that ever makes my hardness depart. I have no other hope. Who could sing that, who could realize that, and carry on.

We sing other songs that catch me and stop me. Some teach me how to say what is in my heart. Others teach my heart what is in Christ. I plan on sharing more. Sometimes our words of worship only give hints, sometimes they crack open our hearts with God’s mercy and grace.

...And we actually sing these songs?!!!!!

Humility in Another World

Okay, one more from C.S. Lewis' Peralandra. (Then on to the last book...That Hideous Strength). Elwin Ransom has done the too hard task. He fought Weston and won. The attack of the evil one was turned away. The battle was horrible and it took Ransom some indefinite weeks to regain his strength and to heal. Finally he begins to move around and is called down one mountain and up a much taller one, to a small meadow between towering spires. There he meets the 'angels' that have been in charge of Mars and Venus. They begin to talk about what took place, and of course mention the far more evil tragedy that took place on Earth and the far more terrible and awesome work that God did to destroy the work of the devil on Earth. They say that because of what Ransom has done, such work would not be necessary on Venus.... "Elwin is falling to the ground," said the other voice. "Be comforted," said Malacandra. "It is no doing of yours. You are not great, though you could have prevented a thing so great that Deep Heaven sees it with amazement. Be comforted, small one, in your smallness. He has laid no merit on you. Receive and be glad. Have no fear, lest your shoulders be bearing this world. Look! it is beneath your head and carries you." The words of Lewis are startling and they are counterintuitive. Ransom accomplished a great deal. He just may have save the world (Venus). Yet those more mighty than wee see it rightly. Amazement to be sure. But Ransom is comforted 'in your smallness. He has laid no merit on you. " Oh the joy. Once a great task is accomplished in and by the strength and will of Jesus, we can let Him be glorified. Maybe there is more to merit than we sometimes think. I think merit and hope people will think I am pretty cool, or maybe even wise. I want the merit that causes others to approve of me. But if we work by Jesus, and we don't get that merit, it may be because merit involves more responsibility than we can bear. Who could ever bear the weight of the world upon their shoulders? There is only one. His name is Jesus.

Doing what must be done

Another take from C.S. Lewis', Perelandra. This section is right after Elwin Ransom and the Voice talk about what must be done--he must fight the evil one who inhabits the scientist, Westin. "The thing seemed impossible. But gradually something happened to him which had happened to him only twice before in his life. It had happened once while he was trying to make up his mind to do a very dangerous job in the last war. It had happened again while he was screwing his resolution to go and see a certain man in London and make to him an excessively embarrassing confession which justice demanded. In both cases the thing had seemed a sheer impossibility: he had not thought but know that, being what he was, he was psychologically incapable of doing it; and then, without any apparent movement of the will, as objective and unemotional as the reading on a dial, there had arisen before him, with perfect certitude, the knowledge "about this time tomorrow you will have done the impossible." The same thing happened now." What amazing contrast is here portrayed--the courage of war and it's terror and the personal humiliation of an untidy confession. So different, yet each required the kind of courage or pluck or whatever that comes only from without. These pages grip me deeply. Lord, give me such courage to do whatever I must, no matter how scared I am.... "His fear, his shame, his love, all his arguments, were not altered in the least. The thing was neither more nor less dreadful than it had been before. The only difference was that he knew--almost a historical proposition--that it was going to be done. He might beg, weep, or rebel--might curse or adore--sing like a martyr or blaspheme like a devil. It made not the slightest difference. The thing was going to be done. . . . "...You might say, if you liked, that the power of choice had simply been set aside and an inflexible destiny substituted for it. On the other hand, you might say that he had delivered from the rhetoric of his passions and had emerged into unassailable freedom. Ransom could not, for the life of him, see any difference between these two statements. Predestination and freedom were apparently identical. He could no longer see any meaning in the many arguments he had heard on this subject." There are times when God so works in one's life that it cannot be determined who is doing what. Maybe this is something that Paul hints at in Philippians 2. "Work out your salvation in fear and trembling for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." I think it is what Steve Brown means when he says, "You take the first step, God takes the second step and by the time you get to the third step you see that He was at work in you all along!" By His grace, we can do what we must.

Doing the (too) Hard Task

In C.S. Lewis' book, Perelandra, Elwin Ransom is carried to Venus. He isn't sure why, except that it involves the great cosmic battle between the Lord and the devil (he uses different names). When he arrives he meets the Queen, the woman of the first couple. Venus seems to him like paradise. But then comes another from earth, with a different purpose. He comes in the body of a scientist who has discovered interplanetary travel. Weston is his name. And he comes to bring death to Venus, just as he brought it to Earth. The enemy enters into a long, protracted conversation with the Queen. He tries to get her to see that by disobeying the Lord, she can help the King. The conversation carries over many days, maybe into a week or more. Ransom tries to counter Westin's arguments but is in way over his head. He prays for a miracle to occur, so that the devil can be kept from getting a foothold in Venus. He knows the conversation can't just keep going on. Something has to be done. Then the Lord puts it in his head, the miracle has occurred--"you too have been brought to Venus (and not by human ingenuity, but by the direct work of supernatural beings we would call angels)". Ransom protests... "What can I do to counter the devil." "Fight him if you must." "But we 'battle not against flesh and blood.'" "You're wasting time." "I can't do it. It's too hard." And then he realizes that in reality the battle would be between two fifty something year old scholars... and who knows how that would turn out. But still, the terror of the devil is too much to overcome. What could he do? How could he do it? Did God really expect him to risk his life to save humanity on Venus? "It is not for nothing that you are named Ransom." An accidental twist of phonetics or linguistics. His name didn't really come from ransom..., God must be mistaken... "What you are asking is just way too hard!" "My name is also Ransom," said the Voice. Here, I am stopped. I am undone. All that I have ever thought about ceases. What can I do? How can I ever do it? How can I please God and gain His approval? What is required of me that He accept me? "My name is also Ransom," says the Voice. He is the one who does what is impossible for me, for us, for anyone to do. Elwin Ransom was called upon to risk his life, a task way above his pay grade. Jesus is our ransom! He didn't merely risk his life, he gave his life. Ransom was right..."it's too hard. I can't do it." And God answers, "Jesus is His name." He does what is too hard for me to do. To gain acceptance or approval, or even to do a small part of His will. I can't do it. It is too hard. But Jesus did, and He helps me. His name is Ransom, too.

Wasting my teaching--follow up

My last post was just about a year ago. I didn't want to 'waste my teaching'. As I reread that post I was struck by how I was able to share my struggles clearly and at the same time voice an answer that I believed, but wasn't nearly as strong within me---"Lord, use my circumstances to change me to fit right now better." I have learned some in the past year. I pray this differently, now. "Lord, help me love you and others well no matter what circumstances You give to me." It hasn't sunk in deeply yet, but my goal is to be less self-centered and more God-, and other-centered. When I pray, "change my circumstances," my center is obvious--what is happening to me. When I pray, "use my circumstances to change me," I easily twist that prayer into selfcenteredness to. I make it into a prayer to "be a better me." And that has been a hidden motivator for years. I have tried to get better. Because I want to be better. Because I want people to see me as better. Because I so often hunger and thirst for approval more than for the kingdom of the heavens and His righteousness. I'm not sure if this is right, but it seems that God's purpose is to make us so we can serve Him and others. I think that is probably some way we share in his divine nature (2 Peter 1.4) and it certainly is the love that comes from His first loving us (1 John 4:10). I wonder if it is not the message of the whole Bible. (I am working on that, thanks to a writer named Larry Crabb!) Crabb says it something like this... faith that in Christ God has made us his own, hope that He will make all things right in His time, and love that is relating well to Him and to others because we are His, even while we wait, no matter what circumstances we wait in and through! May it be so, in increasing measure, above all we can ever think or hope or imagine.

I don't want to waste my teaching!

Over the past week I have heard, said or read the phrase, "I don't want to waste my..." more than just a few times. It has gained popularity because of John Piper's great little book, Don't waste your life! Sometime after he wrote the book, he learned he had cancer. After thinking and praying deeply, he wrote another book, actually to himself (but he did share it with us and you can buy it somewhere). It is called I don't want to waste my cancer! His application of an important perspective to himself got me thinking. First, no one would want to get cancer. People fear it so much that many won't say the word. They might refer to it by initial - C. Jane and I often talk about how that fear develops when we have a headache for an unusually long period of time, or when she suffered some dizzy spells or something else-- "I was afraid it was a brain tumor!" The stories of peoples' live so drastically effected and the struggles and suffering they endured and the treatments they had and the side effects of the treatments just reinforce that whole idea. And so we pray, when we think of it, "Lord, please don't let me get cancer." I'll bet John Piper never wanted to get it either. But he did. And his response was, Lord, take this disease I have and use it to make me whatever You want me to be. Teach me to turn away from those dark parts of my life. Use it to burn away the refuse of sin. Strengthen my love for You. Help me long for You still more and more. And if you use this cancer that way, I will be overjoyed! Well, I don't have cancer. I have to teach. (I know I should say, I get to teach, but for fair exposure of my heart, I do say, I have to teach!) It is the way I can work and earn money to provide for my family but it is not my passion. Yes, I am a teacher, by giftedness, temperament and even heredity (my mom was a teacher, too). But my passion is the church and the gospel. I know all about the high value of teaching children as a school teacher. I know that all callings and vocations are holy. But I so often struggle with teaching in the public schools when I would rather be teaching within the church. I am thankful that so many of my family and friends say things like, "Those kids are really lucky to have you teaching them." But knowing my heart and what I really want, I say "thank you" to those comments and try to silence my doubts within. My heart says, teaching them to read is like putting band aids on cancer. And I don't like cancer, remember? But I am a teacher, in a public school, working harder than I ever have to learn to do better what I am doing so that the children I get to teach have the best opportunities to learn. And I want them to learn. And I want them to know that I want them to learn. And I want them to know that I believe they have lots and lots of potential and can do anything anybody else can--even people from the middle and upper classes. So here's the rub. It seems like I wish I were doing something else: in a church. But I'm not. Now what do I do? Do I pray, "Lord, change my circumstances to something that fits me better." Or do I pray, "Lord, use my circumstances to change me to fit right now better." Did I say I don't want to waste my teaching? I want Jesus to keep on working in me right now. I couldn't stand it if I thought I had to be in the right circumstances for Him to work in me, on me and through me. That would make me His counselor and Him my personal assisstant. None of that. He is God and I'm not. I get that. So Lord, don't let me waste my teaching.